Tweenage Blues

I see posts from cancer parents talking about how their kid handled their appointments with grace, and how kind and thoughtful they are, and how they are always thinking of others. My kid does handle her appointments well. She hates getting blood draws, but pushes through it anyway. She is bored by all the medical talk, but is generally polite to all the doctors and nurses.

Real talk though? She's an asshole sometimes. She rolls her eyes and is sarcastic and rude to family members. She is self-centered and critical. She gets overwhelmed and angry. 

I can't fault her for having negative reactions to things. We all get to have those. I just find it difficult to meld who I remember her being as a younger kid with who she is becoming now. I was telling my husband that we knew who the 6-7-8 year old versions of her were. Now we have to meet and learn this new version of her. One day we had a kid who was excited about everything and wanted to hang out with us all the time to now having someone who is unhappy doing anything she doesn't want to do and who will roll her eyes at everything we say. 

I can remember my parents telling me to stop rolling my eyes and talking back. Now I get to experience it from their perspective. Parenting toddlers is physically exhausting. Parenting adolescents is emotionally exhausting, not to mention a kid who, on top of being a tween, is on all kinds of serious medications and facing a terminal illness.

And I feel guilty for having these negative thoughts. If this is our last Thanksgiving or Christmas together, will it be spent with everyone annoyed at each other? I made us get family pictures taken this weekend (because, again, what if we don't have many opportunities for more), and when I look at them, am I going to remember that I cried in the car on the way there or that my kids kept complaining about walking too much and wanting to go to the playground instead? 

I felt pretty shitty afterwards, and I didn't want to look at the pictures for a while. (They ended up fine by the way, my own body image issues aside). I decided I didn't want to stay upset, so I made everyone have a family meeting to talk about attitudes and being considerate of each other. Then last night I made us watch Inside Out 2 so I could use it as an instruction manual for preteen brains and emotions. Honestly, it was great and my own preteen LOVED it. 

A favorite song by Maya Hawke who played Anxiety 

Maya Hawke, "Missing Out"