I wasn't sure I wanted to have two kids. I sometimes think of the summer of 2016 after #1 was born as the long dark summer. I had a newborn who didn't sleep very well. Breast feeding was hard, but I convinced myself that formula was not an option. I was stuck inside watching TV. I did not have the capacity to read a book. I looked at my phone so much that I developed pain in my hand and had to get a wrist splint specifically for cell phone hand. I wanted a kid, but I was not prepared for a baby.
I loved her so much, but it was also exhausting and monotonous. I kept wishing time away - I can't wait until she can start daycare, I can't wait until she can eat solids, I can't wait until she can walk, I can't wait until she can use the bathroom herself. It felt like time was dripping by. I think probably a lot of new parents feel that way. You have no idea what you are doing. You are anxious and tired, and mourn the way that life used to be. I didn't learn about matrescence until this past year, but I wish I had known what it was sooner. It would have probably really helped.
Now, for various reasons, many of my friends only have one kid. I also thought I'd be ok if I only had one. Then after 3.5 years, I wasn't. The feeling that I needed another just happened out of nowhere. I'm going to partially blame the song "My Only Child" by the Highwomen for making me cry every time I heard it and convincing me that I didn't want just one kid.
I found out I was pregnant at the end of February 2020, and then 2 weeks later, everything shut down. I remember reading about pregnant women dying from COVID or women having babies and then dying from COVID days later without ever having held their children. I read about a local family with four young kids and both parents died from COVID. It was a horror show daily. So, we quarantined a lot. I threw up every day for two months. In July, we rented a peaceful lake house 20 minutes down the road just to get out of our house. I went to doctor's appointments alone. And no one came to see us in the hospital when #2 was born.
A friend recently wrote of her own COVID baby: "She arrived during a pandemic and has continued to bring sunshine and laughter to the heaviest of times."
And, honestly, same.
I loved being home on maternity leave with my 4-family (as #2 says). It was fall and the weather was perfect. We went for walks and to the park. We napped every day. I wasn't stressed, and I dreaded going back to work. Because I was able to work from home the following winter and because COVID was still a thing, we didn't send #2 to daycare until she was 8 months old, and I still cried the first day after I dropped her off.
#2 turned 5 on Saturday. She is in many ways the opposite of her big sister. My oldest is a typical oldest child. She is a rule follower and a perfectionist. When she was 4, she didn't want to practice writing because she was so scared she would make a mistake. She would have accidents in bed or on her cot at nap time because she was afraid she'd get in trouble if she got up. She loves to read nonfiction science books, memorizing all the weird animal facts and quizzing us about them. She likes to make friends and perform for people. In preschool, she had to give everyone a hug before we could leave. She doesn't like to be sweaty or dirty or uncomfortable in any way. She loves going on adventures to new places.
In contrast, #2 was an easy baby. She slept well for starters. She wasn't particular about taking a bottle. Listening to music would calm her down. She didn't mind being in her car seat. At 5, she is silly and head strong. She will share all of her candy with you, but if you do the "count-to-five and then you are in trouble" thing, she will sit and watch you count to five, never doing the thing. She told me to throw away all her toys because she was done with them and does not care. She loves dress up and princesses, but will also jump in puddles and roll around in the sand. She usually wants to stay home and do puzzles. If you ask for a hug, there's a big chance you won't get one.
Despite these things and despite their 4.5 year age difference, #1 and #2 love each other a lot. Without even trying, #2 brings light and laughter and play with her. She, more than anyone probably, has helped #1 recover mentally and emotionally from treatment. She wants to play card games and make believe, do puzzles, and read picture books - and who is her bff to do it with? Older sister. While #2 can be temperamental and stubborn, she is decidedly not boring. She also isn't filled with worry about treatments or the future. She is just herself, and our house would be a lot different without her here.
A Song for a Living Room Dance Party
BTS, "Dynamite"
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