I've written about prayer and religion here before. It's kind of inescapable when your kid has cancer and you live in a small town. I have so many messages from people praying for her and us. Multiple coworkers have told me that they have their churches praying for us. Teachers at my daughter's school had a prayer group the night before her surgery and wanted to know the exact time her surgery was so they could say a prayer then too. Family members, internet strangers, people at the hospital. I just say thank you.
My own feelings about it are complicated. I want to believe that there are unknowable things about death, souls, the universe. I like the idea of loved ones who've passed sending signs. But, I have a hard time with the proscriptive rules of Christianity, the saved versus not saved dynamic, that saying these magic words will save your soul, and all the racism and sexism in the church's past and present. The idea that the culture or religion you are born into would prevent you from a heavenly eternity never made sense to me. The idea of God in my mind seems bigger than all of these human rules, has always seemed bigger than that to me. A friend of mine said maybe it's not important whether we believe that Jesus was God or not. We can instead focus on his message of loving others and taking care of the poor, and it made me feel better coming from someone who seemed much more religious than me. So, all that is to say, if praying helps others feel like they are doing something, that's great I guess. None of us can have too many good words for us out in the universe, but I also don't feel any need to ask for prayers.
During my daughter's surgery though, I had so much anxiety that I started reading some Bible verses. Surely if this many people are finding comfort in prayer and the Bible, then maybe it will work for me. I googled things like "Bible verses to help with anxiety" or "Bible verses to help with grief." I know that's not the best method, but it's what I had to work with at the time. I don't really find comfort in random Bible verses taken out of context though, so then I bought a devotional e-book specifically about getting through hard times. It didn't help.
The one book in the Bible that I did read a few times while I was in the waiting room was Philippians. It is one of the prison epistles written by Paul when he was under house arrest in Rome, bound in chains with little food. The letter is to a church that he helped found. In chapter 4, verses 6-7, Paul writes:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Then later in verses 11-13:
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
I suppose this one stuck with me because of the idea that even in suffering, there can still be peace. And I think maybe that is something I have been trying to find or at least hope for at the end of all this. That I could still find peace through it all.
A Peaceful Song
The Head and The Heart, "Let's Be Still"
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