Back in February, I wrote about how devastating it was for my daughter to have to give up her spot in the play because of her surgery. At the time, she was upset that she put in so much work and wouldn't be able to do the fun part of actually performing it for real. She went back to school the week before their performance and went to their dress rehearsal during class. She said it was good, but she didn't want to go to any of the public performances over the weekend. I didn't press it.
I know parents will talk about how great and smart and wonderful their kid is at things. But, truly, my daughter is really good at performing. When she was in Kindergarten, her grade did an end of the year performance for parents. The kids were all shuffling out to "High Hopes" or something similar. My husband and I were craning to see when she was going to come out. Finally, the front row kids come out, and we saw our kid, the only one bopping around and dancing like a maniac. She took her spot and tried to get the kid next to her to dance too. He finally gave in and danced with her, but she was definitely THAT kid, the one being a nut while everyone else was so scared and serious.
When she was in the school's play last year, she was an Oompa Loompa and was so excited that she got to be something silly. She had a solo line in the first song and popped out to convince Charlie and Grandpa Joe to drink fizzy lifting juice. When the Oompa Loompas would come out to do their song and dance, I could always pick her out because she was the only one being super expressive. I asked her about it afterwards, and she said that her theater teacher told them to "always be acting," so she was just dramatically responding to what was happening on stage. Watching her, it felt like this was something for her.
Sports have never really been her thing. She did soccer some, but didn't really love it. She also tried gymnastics through second grade, but realized it wasn't for her when she couldn't do things the other girls could. One year, her gymnastics class had a performance for parents. They were supposed to memorize a floor routine, and the kids had to perform different skills at each station. She could not remember what she was supposed to do at the stations and would try to do a roll or a cartwheel, but would end up just flopping around on the floor. Each time, she would get up smiling and put her arms up in the finishing salute like she was amazing. I was so embarrassed for her, especially when the instructor gave out special invitations to the other girls to be on the team, but skipped us. My daughter didn't notice or care.
She just isn't concerned about what others think and likes to make people laugh. I actually don't think she developed the capacity to be embarrassed until she got cancer and became the center of attention unwillingly. Some of the things adults have done embarrassed her. For example, when she had to drop out of the play this year, her principal sent me a video of all the other kids singing "Jolly Holiday" but they replaced Mary (Poppins) with her name. She was so embarrassed and does not want to be the center of attention because of her illness.
When all of her hair started falling out, she had feelings about it. She complained about looking weird and started wearing a hat pretty much all the time. It seemed like she was losing her confidence a bit. She is totally bald now, and we've been trying to build her up and tell her it doesn't matter. I found myself repeating something that my own mom told me once: Your real friends will like you no matter what you look like and who cares what people who aren't your friends think.
We took some baby steps too. I told her she could try going for a walk or going to the store without a hat on and see how she felt. So she did, and last week, she went to school without a hat for the first time. I didn't know she did that until I picked her up from afterschool. I was so surprised, and she just sort of shrugged her shoulders like whatever. The daycare owner told her how great she looked. Her third grade teacher texted me to say how my daughter was just beaming at school. It felt like getting her back to herself, and I am really proud of her for that.
Yesterday, her theater arts class had an in-class talent show. They had gotten into groups a couple of weeks ago and worked together to come up with a performance. My daughter made her group mates learn "What Does the Fox Say." They sang it and came up with dance moves. I so wish I could have gotten a video of it. Her theater teacher sent me a message yesterday giving her a shout-out. Her teacher said, "While other students were super nervous to perform in front of others, she jumped right up and was ready to be silly. The whole class was singing by the end. I love her humor and how she shares it with others!"
Kids come into the world with so much zest and individuality and the world tries so hard to stomp it out. I hope both my kids keep theirs for as long as they are here.
A Song for Embracing Your Inner Weirdo
Ylvis, "What Does the Fox Say?"
