I had a thought yesterday that I was like the "Irrepressible Thoughts of Death" Barbie in the Barbie movie asking everyone if they've ever thought about dying in the middle of a dance party.
Sure, before then, I had passing thoughts about dying or the afterlife and grieved grandparents passing, but in general, death felt far removed from my future and really abstract as a concept. I know that makes past me incredibly lucky - to have been able to shove all of that to the side for so long.
But I wonder if thinking about it every day makes me a little nuts or if this is just normal given my circumstances. I still remember when I told someone I was reading a lot of books about death and they looked at me like I was so weird and that I should not admit that to anyone.
The truth is I don't just think about my oldest dying, though those thoughts are obviously there. I also think about my youngest dying or my husband dying. What would that be like? What would we do after? In addition to all the books about dying, I also started watching 5 Star Weekend with Jennifer Garner on Peacock, and clips from Dying for Sex with Michelle Williams have come up in my feed (look up the process of dying scene if you are interested). I've read accounts of people's near death experiences on Reddit, and I've been mining religious texts for different perspectives on death.
I'm not scared of the dying process. I'm not scared of being dead. I'm scared of survivorship. Of losing people I love and having stand in the wreckage of that. The emotional pain of that scares me more than most physical pain.
I follow a cancer mom online whose daughter is in remission from Ewing's Sarcoma, and she recently lost her son, her other child. The one she probably didn't worry about as much. It is entirely possible all of our children will die before us. It is entirely possible that my other child will get cancer or some other disease or will die in a random accident. It happens. In order to not be completely overwhelmed with anxiety, we push those thoughts away and continue on. I guess I don't really want to avoid those thoughts though. I'd rather figure out how to integrate them and how to parent better or live better alongside them.
It is back to school season, and both of my kids started this week. My oldest is in 5th grade and my youngest started Kindergarten. I've seen posts from other parents about being sad and their "mama hearts" hurting or whatever. Maybe it is just my personality or maybe it's having a kid with terminal cancer, but I don't feel one ounce of sadness or heartache about my kids starting school. I don't feel anything but excitement that they get to reach another milestone. I have now seen too many kids get diagnosed with DIPG, leukemia, or neuroblastoma before the age of 5 who don't get to go to Kindergarten. I just can't feel sad about any opportunity my kids get to have. Growing up is such a freaking gift.
A Song My Kid Belted Out in the Car
Maesic & Marshall Jefferson, "Life Is Simple (Move Your Body)"
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