Scanxiety

There is a feeling that is talked about in cancer forums called scanxiety to describe the anxiety people feel around MRI time. Its not anxiety about the actual procedure, but about what the procedure will show. 

I am currently sitting in the radiology waiting room. My daughter was just taken back for a 2-month MRI. This MRI will show whether the lesions in her brain have shrunk, remained stable, or grown. It will determine whether we remain on these medications or whether we do radiation again. It is 10:30 now. We will meet with the doctor at 2 to review the scans. We also have an appointment with our doctor at home next week to go over the results again and possibly have more hard conversations.

I didn't feel worried until after they took her back, and I sat down to wait. 

Physically I feel a pit in my chest, slightly shaky hands, and lightheadedness caused by an adrenaline rush. Mentally, I am looking for signs that will tell me how everything is going to go. Saturday, when we got into the car to leave for the airport, "Baby I Love Your Way" the Big Mountain version was playing. It's the song my husband and I jokingly at first, seriously now, refer to as our song. When we got to the waiting room this morning, Trolls was just starting on the TV. That was my daughter's favorite movie for a few years. We sang "Get Back Up Again" while we waited. She used to make me play that song all the time. So much so, I bought the soundtrack. Perhaps it's random. Perhaps its a message from the song spirits that whatever happens, we'll get through it. 

The giant, negative, blinking sign though is that she randomly threw up her dinner Saturday night. It could have been stress, tiredness, leftover effects from flying all day. It could have been eating too fast. But, she hasn't done that since last Spring before we knew about the tumor. I'm not sure, but in my mind, it is a sign that she may be experiencing hydrocephalus again, an indication that the tumors are getting bigger. Of course, we won't know until we get the results. 

So, what am I doing now? Writing and deep breathing. And listening to House music, which I've found help me regulate my nervous system more than anything else. 

A Song About Perseverance

Anna Kendrick, "Get Back Up Again"