Christmas Break is coming to a close, and I am not ready for it to end. We've slept in. We've visited friends and family. We've eaten on our own schedule. We've puttered around, getting rid of clothes and toys we've outgrown and reorganizing the nooks and crannies of our house. But, there is still so much we need and want to do.
It's a new year, and I guess it's when we are supposed to come up with goals for the upcoming year. Since I've been teaching, August has felt more like a new year to me than January. Regardless of how or when I mark the new year, it doesn't change the fact that I cannot, in this moment, think about the future. I have some plans for January, February, and March mapped out as best I can, but beyond that, it feels too unsafe. To imagine ourselves in May, a year after the cancer diagnosis, to make plans for summer, is too much. It feels like if I allow myself to think that far ahead, I will jinx it all.
A friend made lake house reservations for us for sometime in July. I don't have it on my calendar, and I couldn't tell you the exact date we planned to go. I'm afraid if I solidify anything that we won't make it there.
I also used to be fairly driven professionally. I'd set goals, and I'd make it happen. Before the diagnosis, I really felt like I was kicking professional ass - presenting at national conferences, being asked to sit on a variety of committees, getting accepted to paid professional development opportunities, leading departmental initiatives, asked about promotions. Now? I couldn't care less. I am doing what is required to run my classes well and that's it. Let someone else run things for a change. I don't want to.
Making resolutions, setting intentions, or whatever is an optimistic act - in this most ideal future, here is what I will accomplish. It's not that I don't want to be optimistic about the future. I do, and I am trying to be. But, I also want to be prepared for a harsh reality. I am split in two - hoping for things to improve, or to at least remain the same, and steeling myself for a fall off a steep cliff.
I asked my daughter if there was anywhere she wanted to go this year or anything specific she wanted to accomplish. She said she wanted to go to the aquarium in Atlanta and take a drawing class. My goal will be to make those things happen.
In all honesty, the things I want to achieve are not things I have any control over. More time, more life. There is still so much to do.
A Road Trip Song
Alex Lahey, "On My Way"
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