"While counsels of grandmothers meet around the world forecasting how to protect and nurture the planet, the women of the future are being born today. To be born is to be brave, a calling to fully participate in Earth life, and all its pain and glory, a self-educated guess, another kind of wisdom, a rich and exciting existence." -Pamela Anderson, Its Me, Pamela
"And so it is: Life marches on, imperfectly. We age; we remain in the clutches of some painful patterns and scenarios; we grow out of others. In the hands of a large, mysterious universe, one thing is clear: we won't not be stretched beyond our limits, ultimately broken or broken open, and to what we do not fully know. Perhaps resurrection isn't best considered a big, one-time event; perhaps we learn it in tiny movements, with tiny decisions. Amidst all of it, we choose to keep showing up, stretching our hearts and legs to rise again." --Terri Dillon, No Pressure, No Diamonds
Aubrey Plaza was on a recent episode of Good Hang, Amy Poehler's podcast. (In my alternate universe life, I went to NYU for college and became best friends with Aubrey.) At the beginning of the episode, she compared the grief of losing her husband to the movie The Gorge. She said that it feels like "a giant ocean of awfulness that's like right there and I can see it. Sometimes I just want to dive into it, and just like be in it. Then sometimes I just look at it, and sometimes I try to get away from it. But, it's always there." I think that's a really good description for this experience.
I've realized Mondays have become my wallowing in the awfulness days. The weeks are busy with work and school and life. We fill the weekends trying to do fun things with friends and the kids and catching up on chores. Then Monday hits, and I am home alone in the quiet. I am teaching all online this semester, so I only go to campus two days a week. My husband likes to do his in office days at the beginning of the week, so Monday, I'm alone. I usually do some laundry, clean the kitchen, and look for anything to do besides grade papers. So, I research brain cancer. I look for some magic answer that will tell me how all this will go. I check in with other families I'm following and moms I've been talking to. And I wallow.
I like to scroll back through Andrea Gibson's Instagram page and read the pieces posted there. I haven't watched Come See Me In The Good Light yet and I haven't braved their substack yet, but it's on my list. It's a good reminder that its ok to embrace the grief and also acknowledge the amazing gift that is being alive.
It's Tuesday, and I feel less like wallowing today. Here's a list of some good things:
- Friends who insist on coming to visit, even when I don't want them to, who buy Wicked tickets without checking first, and who sit on my deck drinking White Claws and complaining about work.
- Going to concerts out of town with old friends, drinking way too much, and eating pizza with them at midnight.
- Parents who buy a house down the street without consulting me just so they have a place to stay when they come to help with appointments and child care.
- All of the people in our extended circle who have offered money, door dash credits, plane tickets, and places to stay when we travel. I am still learning that accepting help is a way of honoring those relationships.
- Finding time to do art projects with the kids, even if they annoy me during the process.
- A husband insists we all look at the sunset every evening and who takes pictures of the moon from the driveway every morning.
- The sunsets from our back deck.
- Our cat who likes to get under the covers in my bed and press her claws lightly into my leg as she goes to sleep.
- K-Pop Demon Hunters dance parties in the living room.
- Having my 4 year old lay on the ground in front of me and declare that she is pants as she folds herself up.
- Kids who creep into my room at 6am for cuddles, and knowing that it won't last forever, so I try to soak it all in and turn those fleeting moments into core memories for me and them.
Andrea Gibson, "Angels of the Get-Through"
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